Should I Send My Employee A Love Note?

In my last newsletter, I wrote about the Love Notes we exchanged in our final week of the Coliving, part of the closing ritual.

As you can imagine, receiving them was lovely. I came home with a collection of notes about things people appreciated about me and our time together.

But I’ve been thinking about the other side of that. There was something equally important about writing them. I had to sit down and think about each person: What did I appreciate about them? What had I noticed about who they were, not just what they did? How had they affected my experience that month? Was there a moment with them that I wanted to remember?

The notes weren’t all the same, and they weren't all profound. Some were quite short. But I was impressed by how seriously everyone took it, even when they were really busy with work or getting ready to leave.

It takes a surprising amount of intention to really see another person. We talk a lot about people's need to receive feedback and recognition, particularly at work. And there's good reason for that: almost half of employees say they don't get feedback from their leader as often as they want. But the other side of that equation is our ability to notice.

It's easy to have a general sense that someone is great to work with, that they're thoughtful or funny or capable. It's different to stop long enough to ask yourself: What specifically do I see in this person? What have they done? How do they show up? What difference does that make? That takes some discipline.

In coaching, there are three practices I teach that help with this: feedback, acknowledgement, and championing. They overlap, but there are useful distinctions between them.

Feedback is about something you observe in what someone is doing or how they're behaving, and the impact of it.

"When you stopped the conversation and asked the people who hadn't spoken what they thought, we heard concerns we otherwise might have missed."

Acknowledgement validates who someone is being right now. It recognizes something real that you see in them.

"You created space for people to disagree without making anyone feel wrong. That shows confidence and generosity."

Championing stands up for someone's future potential and capability, particularly when they're facing doubt or stepping into something that feels big.

"I know you're nervous about presenting to the Board. I've watched you make complicated ideas clear, stay grounded when you're challenged, and build trust with people who don't initially agree with you. You have what you need to do this."

That's different from cheerleading. "You're amazing! You're going to crush it!" might feel good for a moment, but genuine championing is grounded in something you've actually seen. You're holding up evidence of someone's capability at a moment when they may have temporarily lost sight of it themselves.

Feedback, acknowledgement, and championing are different, but one thing they have in common: you can't do any of them particularly well if you aren’t paying attention. Generic praise isn't acknowledgement. Empty encouragement isn't championing. Vague observations aren’t useful feedback.

Which brings me back to those envelopes at the Château. Writing the notes made me stop and consider what I valued about each of the people I'd spent the month with. And in doing so, I felt more connected to them.

It matters to be seen. There's something deeply human about knowing that someone has noticed who we are, what we bring, and the impact we have. It tells us that we matter.

And we also need the practice of really seeing each other.